Wednesday, 24 October 2018

Let's talk feelings

Let's talk feelings

Its been a tough couple of weeks, and to be honest I’ve felt a little lost. I feel like I’ve been in a whirlwind, and coming out the other side it feels like a good time to reflect. Because talking about our feelings is o k a y.

I always reassured myself I’d use this space to journal more. I use journaling as a way to ‘reconnect’; touch base with myself and work out what’s been going on in my head. Particularly useful when things get a little chaotic and my mind starts shutting down.

Which is exactly what it has been doing the last couple of weeks. Being an adult has been hard work this month. There have been some massive ups (like buying our first ever flat together), and as always with these ups comes some huge downs too. Couple that with the stress of renovating a flat, working full time, trying to organise moving and attempting to still care for me - it’s been pretty hard work.

And I get frustrated with myself and with my head for always going into shutdown at what seems like the smallest hurdle. But, as I’ve promised to be kinder to myself, I do admit that it’s not just been a small hurdle this time, it’s lots and lots of little hurdles that have been building up. But realising what these hurdles are has been a huge help, and I’ve also realised they haven’t just been silly things I’ve been worrying about - in fact they’re actually quite legitimate reasons to make me feel sad, anxious and distant.

Ill health - any ailment, big or small, causes me anxiety and always has. Ill health worries me. And worries me some more. I could spend weeks worrying about the smallest thing, and it snowballs and snowballs until I really do make myself ill. I don’t know where this anxiety came from, but it’s these anxieties that I’ve managed to flag to myself and I’m in the process of working through.

Other people’s problems - sometimes I feel like I’m made of sponge. Soaking up other people’s vibes by just being around them. I’ve always been receptive to emotions, I will take on other people’s problems and carry them around with me for days letting their bad vibes almost consume me. I find it odd, and I find it frustrating that I’m unable to put a shield up to other people’s negative behaviour - it affects my own mood massively.

Not being able to see the end - this one gets me all the time. I’m s u p e r organised, which works great for a project or event that has a set deadline or end date. But for those life events that don’t, apparently of which are quite common unfortunately for me, I stress the f*ck out. If I can’t put an action plan together, or know what I need to be doing and when, I feel like I’m just floating and will constantly run things over and over again in my head. Somehow I don’t think spontaneity is something I can learn to love or even tolerate though - I am a Capricorn after all.

But, it’s not been all doom and gloom - I promise! I finally found out that I did get accepted for my entry-level counselling course, and I’m so excited to start evening classes at college next year and get the ball rolling with this new career chapter. I also got invited to a Samaritans selection day in November, which I’m extremely nervous about, but I know will be a great step for me. Maybe I’ll talk more about all that in another blog post.

For now, I’m off to rescue my dinner that has been drowning in the slow cooker since this morning (I must remember to follow instructions better).

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